Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween


Tonight as I got my girls ready to head out for Halloween I did a lot of reflecting. And I really got  blown away at how prominent anxiety was in me even when I was quite young. I never was truly excited about Halloween. 

I remember even when I was at a  very young elementary age, being so anxious about halloween that i couldn't just enjoy the day.  I would stress about a costume and what I should be. I would never feel like I could pick something that would be good, or cool or just different. I hate the stress that came around having to pick something. I look back now and wish I had been the kind of kid who could have just enjoyed it and the opportunity to really have fun with being someone or something else for a day.  

As I got older I would stress about what others were doing that night (or weekend). What were my friends doing?  Who should I go with? Would anyone let me go with them?  Do i even want to go?  Seriously I can think like that. How depressing and so unfortunate that I was not able to just be there. Just be in the moment and the joy and fun that can come from an event. 

Even now it's not great. While were in Disney they have a few nights a week in October that are a special Halloween Trick or Treating event. You buy a special ticket, the park closes early to others, and its a Halloween extravaganza. It was very cool. As we were planning the trip I felt relief that I would not dress up. I figured I had two kids i would dress and that was the lucky thing about being a parent you simply don't have to dress up. 

Wrong. 

Everyone in our group planned to. Had I not I would be the only one practically in the entire park NOT dressed up.  So before we left Ben and I went to one of those giant Halloween stores and picked out costumes. I was really impressed with myself I picked one quickly and felt really great about the choice. 

Fast forward to our dress up day…I was near a meltdown. I tried to get out of dressing up and hated my costume and was anxious about it. 

Sometimes there is just simply no escape from it all. 

On a good note Aubs loved Halloween and tried to ditch her parents to go treating with her cousins, Elise hated it and stayed with me at Grandma and Grandpa's instead :)


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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Life Lessons


I write this post as I am currently listening to my baby cry. Why am I writing instead of dealing with her? Because we are trying the Ferber Method. It's terrible….Ok I can't claim it's terrible because this is essentially our first shot at it but I really really struggle with listening to her get wound up when i know I could snuggle her and she would settle in. BUT here is the thing, last night Ben and I took turns getting up every hour with her…EVERY HOUR! Terrible long night! 
My Sweet Little E Bug

My mind skips all over the place on using different 'methods' to get a child to sleep through the night. Part of me knows that a happy healthy child requires really good sleep. Heck a happy healthy Mom requires really good sleep. SO I see the benefit of using methods to get them to learn to sleep on their own. But then this other deeper part of my brain asks "why do we think we constantly need to teach our children (or anyone) that they need to do life on their own?".  Aren't we meant to live in relationship? Aren't we meant to learn from each other and help each other?  I could really go down a long winding path with that one, but not tonight. 

*Note the crying has ceased…small victory…for now…

On the topic of learning from each other, it blows my mind what I learn daily from my girls.  Both of them have been huge teachers for me. Huge!  Recently we have been looking at different options for a new home, and trying to decide what we might want to do and when. After sadly returning to winter from our super sunny vacation I was feeling pouty and whiney about our house. Which is ridiculous because we really do have a great home. Anywho, so I was going on and on about it to Ben when Aubrey finally  rolled over to me (we were all laying on our bed visiting) and says "Momma this is a happy house…"

Forehead slap. 

Takes wise words from a 2 year old to make a 28 year old get a grip.  Honestly she blows me away.  And I swear since then I have had a major turnaround in regards to our home. I view it totally different and keep in mind that it is indeed a 'Happy Home'.  

Happy

Aubrey also likes to do prayers. We generally do a bedtime prayer with her and randomly will say a prayer before a meal (we are not very diligent people).  Last night she grabbed hold of Ben's hand to begin a prayer. It went a little something like this… "Dear God, Thank you for mommy, daddy, Aubrey, food…(looks around the room) ahhh water, Princesses, (looks around again) Pink, and amen."  Seriously why not thank God for Pink?!  But this prayer was not enough she grabbed Bens hand one more time and continued " Dear God, thank you for family, food, coffee, stickers and stones….amen"  

So, now I walk around thankful for my happy home, princesses, pink and coffee. The stickers annoy me I end up with one on the bottom of my foot daily I refuse to be thankful for them. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I don't wanna go home!


This last week we enjoyed the heat of California as we enjoyed Seaworld, Legoland and Disney.  The girls had a rough start while we were in San Diego, not sleeping well and it was a bit too hot for them. When we hit Disney they seemed to find their stride and Princesses. That's right Aubrey got to fulfill her very long life dream of meeting Belle. The kid knows how to put on a good show, at one point in the middle of a crowded gift shop she hopped out of her stroller, held her skirt out to the sides and twirled while singing Beauty and the Beast…I don't lie she did this!

I had full intentions of writing while I was gone but was far too tired at the end of a day. Then when we got home I thought I would dive into all sorts of stories of the trip, quite frankly I feel too lazy for such writing. Instead I want to talk about my depression (Ok not a for real depression but a different sort).

I seem to have two sides to my personality, especially when it comes to travel. I love the excitement of traveling, I even for the most part love airports (I know most people hate them, right!?). I love getting to a new place and finding little shops, cafes, beaches anything really i just like being somewhere new. But then there is this other part of me that is a real homebody. This part that thinks its so easy to just be home and I love the comforts of my own house. 

This multiple personality can cause a real problem.  For instance everyone in our group was so happy to be coming home, come travel day the adults were itching to get on the plane. I dragged my sorry butt onto the plane whining at Ben a good chunk of the way about how I should be able to stay longer. Now that I am home I love having easy access to laundry, my own bed and pillow, My girls in their own room. 

Whenever I get home from a trip to a place I have never been I have a couple week stretch that is really difficult. It is a stretch of time where all I can think about is where should I go next, or daydreaming of the place I just came from.  Then I start realizing how ridiculous I sound since a good chunk of people don't ever really get to travel that I should obviously just be grateful that I get to go anywhere. I mean this year alone Ben and I have gone traveling 3 times. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for that….but why can't I just go somewhere like…I dunno once a month?!

*And if you too feel like you hate coming home from vacation or if you are simply feeling generous please click on that smiley woman in the top corner to cast a vote my way :)

Monday, October 15, 2012

DISNEYLAND!!!


Tomorrow we head off on an 8 day family vacation. This will not be any ordinary vacation there are 22 of us going. I promise you it will make great blog material if nothing!

My sister Sarah's kids still don't know about this trip. She is planning on telling them tomorrow morning as they wake up thinking they are heading out to school.  I have been begging her for months to let me be there when she tells them and she has refused me!  Dammit!  Anywho so I am anxiously awaiting a texted video or phone call in the morning!

This trip has created quite interesting group text messages amongst my sisters, mom and I.  One thing that came across my iPhone today was a text from Sarah informing me she would be bringing the 'no fight' contracts for us all to sign.  They say none of the couples are allowed to fight.  I aint gonna lie Ben and I have had some hilarious fights on our travels. Most of them happen in the airport themselves. I laughed with my cousin Justine about it this weekend. dI told her it's like our Christmas tree.  Every year we have this magical idea of what it will be like to put up our tree…and every year we fight. And what do we say come November every year "Hun lets just not fight this year when we put up the tree. Let's make it really special"   I feel like if I just gear up for a fight this time maybe it won't happen!

All that to say I will attempt a few blogs while away as I am sure there will be some very interesting things to discuss.  

Peace out!

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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Growing Up


In my last post I explained a bit about where my head went after watching the amazing show Cavalia, and the fiery redhead lady ( I am sure she has a great name but I simply don't know it).  But I had one more round of thoughts that never fit into that post, so here I am again….

When we got home that night from the show I was attempting to get my girls to bed and it wasn't going as planned. Aubrey had been battling a virus and was just out of sorts while Elise simply wanted to chat.  So I sat in my rocking chair holding Elise as she chattered on one knee and cradled Aubrey in my other arm.  She was so beyond tired she quickly crashed. But I was stuck unable to move until Ben could assist me. So instead I listened to Aubrey's deep breaths mixed in with Elise's excellent story and just watched them. 

When I took that time to truly just look at Aubrey I realized she has grown up, like a lot. And I feel like I can get so busy I don't notice it in her. This made me a bit weepy. Sigh, I hate being weepy. Anyway back to my point. 

As I watched the Cavalia and this fiery red head lady I couldn't help but think of Aubs. Like I said before it was clear this woman was meant to be in front of crowds, she ate it up and loved it.  I would think most people who know my Aubs would say she is a bit of a crowd lover…just a tiny teeny bit…ok she is like her Dad and takes every chance she can get to put on a show for people.  I love watching her. 

Now I will risk sounding like one of 'those moms', you know the ones who are all convinced their child is going to be the next NHL star. But I seriously can't imagine Aubrey doing anything that is NOT big. I don't even know what 'big' means it is more a feeling. And watching this lady made me think of Aubrey. 

Then I got thinking if I will be able to support her in the ways she needs. Will I be able to encourage her to leave? To open every door possible and glide through them with her arms wide open waiting to embrace everything and anything?!….hmmm…. I would love to jump up and down saying "yep that's me. cheering my girl on" But then the part of me that is so connected to her is sitting in the corner allowing the chest wracking sobs to take her over. How could I encourage her to go be with the rest of the world? I want her to myself. I don't want her to leave our little community and family because I just love her too much and can't imagine the hole she would leave Ben and I by taking on the world. But then that other side of me is winding up to kick the other part in the shin, tell her to grow up.

I truly feel like one of the hardest things to come is going to be watching our girls go out into the world. Watching them make a life of their own, decisions of their own. I know this is obviously quite a few years away and not really something I need to worry about all that much, but how do you Moms who have done it…well…do it?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Fulfillment


This weekend Ben bought us tickets to the show Cavalia. The show was truly amazing. It was clear to see the bond between human and horse. The horses were simply stunning to watch in action. Whenever I go to things like this my mind races. I try to make it stop so I can just be in the moment, but it is a stubborn mind and doesn't always care to listen. 

There was one woman who was a part of the show that really got me thinking. She was a fiery red headed lady, and I am sure anyone reading this who also went to the show will know who I am talking about.  I loved watching her. It was clear to see that she truly loved being in front of a crowd. Everytime she went by the audience her face lit up and pulled you in.  The more I watched her I thought how fulfilling it is to love what you do that much. I mean obviously I never talked to the lady but I am willing to bet she LOVES what she does. 

Then I really started thinking about fulfillment. Does anyone ever truly feel fulfilled? Or is there always something more, or different we want before we think we will truly be fulfilled?

Let me explain. 

As I watched her and thought "this lady clearly is where she is meant to be and loves it" my next thought was "I wonder if I asked her if that is what she would truly answer?".   What I mean is I look at my life and I love it. I love that I have two beautiful girls, I love that I have the most amazing husband, I love being close to my family. I can keep going with that list but I think you get the point. SO then I wondered does that make me fulfilled? 

I say Yes and No. Why?  Well Because I am fulfilled in my family life. I wouldn't trade it with anyone, not even someone who had the exact situation but was maybe saner than me, I like the crazy(kinda). BUT….There is always a but…I have this other section of my brain that has been laying in waiting. This part of me that is kicking at the gates begging for a turn to run. 

As I was trying to explain all of this to Ben on our way home I then wondered if this meant I was a terrible person for not just feeling fulfilled with what I have now. Then I started to go a little deeper into the thought. And the realization I came to was that if I felt completely fulfilled and settled in this moment where do I have to go from here? Why would I have reason to push myself, to learn, to try, to fail, to try again, and grow. 

I swear one day I will watch a show and just sit pleasantly watching the entertainment.


Monday, October 1, 2012

To be done...or not to be done...


You know the old saying 'Time Heals Everything' do you truly believe that?  It makes me think of so many things. First it makes me think about how everyone tells you after having a baby you will forget the pain. I swore up and down I would never forget, to a certain extent I feel like I remember (from both).  But then I wonder do I actually recall the pain or just remember the emotion from the moments?

Then it also gets me thinking about a whole other bag a crazy. I actually thought to myself  "self don't write this blog, people don't want to hear your nut job crazy talk about your life" . Then I thought everyone's already seen ya at your craziest might as well continue. 

So here it goes…

When do you decide to have more babies?  I know most people say to wait and you just know. But right now I feel like the more time goes by, you know the long 5 months it's been, I get more confused.  Basically for the first 4 months of Elise's life I continued to inform Ben he best get used to life with only two children cause this was it. I ain't ever doing that again!

But then this last month my heads gone and gotten all mixed up. There is this part of me that keeps poking and prodding saying "you ain't done yet…" Which does two things to me 1) Makes me want to stick it to the man and deny the possibility even more. Then I realize in this situation I am the man so I best sort myself out. 2) Terrifies me to no end!

Why does it terrify me? 

It scares me because when I finally started to deal with PPD and PPA I swore to myself that I never ever wanted to feel like that again. And I still don't. I don't want to feel myself slip into that hole that is so dark and lonely.  But I also don't want to deny my girlies another sibling and Ben and I another beautiful baby. We love being parents. But when you are a Mom who is on call 24/7 it can be the most draining job in the entire world.  When that baby wants you and only you there are no breaks. Ben is an amazing help, but Elise no matter what will default to wanting her Momma. And part of me loves that. Then the other part is tapping her watch wondering where the hell her coffee break is??

The choice to exclusively breastfeed also brings forth challenges. I am coming into a space where I feel ready for 'me time'. But then that brings a whole new bag of guilt and anxiety. How could any good mother think she needs time away from her kids to do things for herself?  And people encourage me all the time to formula feed or pump. But I can not bring myself to do it. I am so stubborn and so strong willed that I feel like that would be me quitting on my baby girl. Especially since I nursed Aubrey for 9 months straight. I feel like the guilt would forever haunt me if I quit now especially since I have already made it through 5 months. Now don't get me wrong I don't nurse totally out of a place of guilt, i love the bonding with my sweet baby girl and knowing that it is one of the healthiest options for her.  But when you run along the edge of depression and needing more frequent breaks suddenly, well nursing every 2-3 hours can put a damper on it! 

Now I am rambling. See what babies and the ideas of more babies does to a once sane mind?! They make your crazy, can't even form proper thought patterns. Ahhh well I can be sane in a few years…maybe…hopefully...


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