Missing: My Former Efficient Self

I have always been a really efficient person. I have a pretty great ability to think through a scenario and plan ahead and execute with pretty great success.  I mean I even moved across the country and was able to do it with two bags. One of which contained a duvet. I was even able to keep them at 50lbs so I never had to pay extra for overweight bags. 

Now kids can change this in a person.  

For the most part I just transferred this skill to my kids. I can wrangle them pretty efficiently. I have even gotten all of us dressed, fed, diaper bag packed, and out the door in 20 minutes. Honestly I have done it.  And you know what when I walk out you would think I was walking a red carpet…

Anyways, some days my efficiency is lame. Yesterday was one of those days. Ben and I took the girls into the city to do some shopping and to see my Grandma. As we left the city Ben could tell I was feeling a bit down. He asked me what was up.  I literally felt like the day was spent, feeding a child, nursing, or changing a diaper OR just unbuckling and rebuckling a child into a carseat. 

I love my kids. But man yesterday I wished I was at that point where my girls could have had a special 'Daddy Daughter Day'.   We were in the mall for 2 hours and we pretty much bought one item. ONE thing. I told Ben if I had been there by myself I could have gotten our entire christmas shopping done in 2 hours!! 

Le' sigh. 

But then I have one of those 'moments' with my girls that remind me that it is all worth it. 

Like two days before after a hectic day that required a very unexpected trip to Edmonton, I was laying in bed with Aubrey when she suddenly popped up to have a conversation. 

Aubrey: Momma that was a really good benture today (note she means Adventure)

Me: It was Aubs

Aubrey: specially the stones (she found glass stones in the healing garden at the hospital)

Me: Yeah they were great hon. And if you go to sleep now maybe we can have another one tomorrow.

Aubs: Yeah Momma?

Me: mhmm

She then slowly drifted to sleep murmuring about bentures. How can you not be totally in love with a benture loving 2 year old?

Who Knows Best?

Do you ever wonder what is going through a toddler's mind?  Or even a baby? I often look at both of my girls and try to think what could possibly be going through their minds. Aubrey has unexpectedly come out with some real gems this week.  She has also brought us to a new interesting point in our lives, one where she thinks she truly knows best, but really doesn't.  Let me explain.

She has this new thing where she is very much convinced she does not need diapers AT ALL anymore. During the day she is correct.  She is very much potty trained….but at night…not even close!  Three nights ago in the middle of the night, Ben and I listened to her try to reason with us why she in fact did not require a diaper. The kid drinks like a gallon in the middle of the night, she needs them. But try reasoning with a two year old that you really do know what is best for her at that time…yeah not fun. 

The next night I got her ready for bed and put her diaper on. I set her on the floor and walked away.  She began complaining again and at the same time Elise also began to cry as she too was ready for bed. Aubrey looked up at the bed and exclaimed "Don't worry sister my diaper hurts too!".   At least she had someone on her side that night.

But it got me thinking.  Do we ever get to a point in our life where we ALWAYS know what is best for us?  Or will we forever have times where we are blinded by thinking we do, when really someone else has the right of it.

I can think of so many times as a young adult where my Mom questioned my behaviour or tried to guide me in how to deal with a situation. I also remember thinking in those times "seriously?! As if I don't know how to deal with this on my own. I KNOW what's right…"  *insert hanging of the head.  Now with a few more years, a marriage, and two kids under my belt that perception has dramatically changed.  Some days I don't know how I would get through situations without the advice from my Mom on how to deal with it, or even just giving me a different perception of a situation. 

So maybe we go through a cycle. Maybe we reach a certain point in our lives where we realize that it's Ok, and even a great benefit, to have help. Or even beyond just help but fresh eyes to look at a situation and realize….you need the damn diaper!

Can you say Ogrits?

Aubrey is getting smart, too smart. Everyday it gets harder and harder to outwit her. To coax her into doing things our way. I love it, and hate it. Actually with me she is usually pretty good. I think she knows I'm more stubborn than her and bound to win. Her and her Dad are something different. Their conversations tend to give me the most laughter in a day. 

Yesterday morning Ben was having a nice chat with Aubrey while he was getting the two of them some breakfast. They were both at the fridge as Ben began to pull things out. He pulled out a container of yogurt and was going to close the door when Aubs spotted the peanut butter. She got her usual excited face on and asked her Dad for some 'teenut butter'.  Ben thought this was a good chance to get her to pronounce the word correctly. Here's how it went…

Ben : Aubs can you say PEANUT BUTTER? ( said in a real teachy type of way)

Aubs replies while looking at him like he is a small child: Can YOU say Ogrits?  

Obviously she felt the need to take the opportunity to teach her Dad a thing or two.  

Fast Forward to a little bit into breakfast time a new conversation strikes up…

Aubrey:  Mmmm we watch Toopy Binoo Daddy?

Ben: No Aubs let's have a nice breakfast and visit. I never got to see you yesterday and I miss you.

Aubrey: Mmmm we try it?

Ben: No Aubs we are just going to visit

Aubrey, said with a little chuckle : Ok Daddy you get the computer!

Ahhh I chuckle just writing it out. She is a girl who knows what she wants and why not try and convince your Dad that if he thinks about it he obviously wants it too!

Falling in Love

I think there are specific moments where we fall in love with our children.  Obviously when they are born there is an immediate love you have for them it's a special moment. But, I also think that that initial love is a foundation. One that gets strengthened and built on through these other moments I'm talking about. I love these moments. And for each girl I really quite vividly remember a lot of them.  Some were repetitive moments things that happened daily even.  I have always wondered what other women's 'moments' are with their children. 

My Favorite Aubrey moment-  I vividly remember one of the first nights that I was up in the middle of the night nursing Aubrey. She was not a great nurser. In fact I was usually in tears while nursing because it hurt so bad, for about 4 weeks.  But I remember one night she had actually latched really well and nurse just as well. Afterwards I propped her up on my shoulder and her head gently nestled into the curve of my neck and shoulder. When I tilted my head just so it hugged her head and aloud me to breathe her in. I will never forget those moments. I often wish I had gotten Ben to take pictures of her and I like this, I even recall a few times almost calling him into the room and asking but then I never wanted and intruder. It would not have been the same. Instead I have locked that memory into my soul as tightly as one can.  Luckily she still likes to lay up on my shoulder like this and I still love it.   I have loads of 'moments' with Aubs but I would have to write a novel to tell them all. They also happen daily and I choose to believe will happen the rest of our lives. 

My Favorite Elise moment-  E is such a different baby then Aubs. Which I love that they are. I remember looking forward to her nestling into my neck like Aubrey did, but she actually never does. Even though Elise is only 4.5 months old I have a lot of moments with her I actually am having a hard time picking just one favourite.  But I think I am going to have to go with the way she loves her momma. She is a total mommy's girl. We can be in a room full of people and she locks eyes with me and will smile and tell the biggest stories. I have been in stores, around family members, anywhere really where she gets locked in like this and someone else will try and come into the conversation most of the time she completely ignores the other person she is so intent in just her and I.  Other times she will give the other person a quick side glance and her brows will scrunch just slightly like she's saying "can't you tell I am busy here".  I love my talks with her. 

I have to add one more favourite to Elise. She LOVES to hold hands. While she nurses, when we are in a car, laying on the floor, tub time, anywhere really she wants to hold hands. 

This week was a rough week with my girls. Both were whiny and miserable a good chunk of the time. But then these moments would happen and when they happen, I just fall in love with them even harder.  

Why, hello Doctor...Don't mind the nasty pink dragon

Yesterday I had to make an unexpected trip into Lacombe for a visit to the walk-in clinic. Elise and I have been battling a case of thrush. Unfortunately everyone was busy so it was too hard to leave Aubs behind. So I debated waiting until the next day when I knew Ben would be home and he could help. Then I looked at my miserable baby and knew I needed to suck it up. And besides Aubs has been a really good kid, so she would be great right? RIGHT???

The little Screech Owl

Both girls quickly fell asleep on the drive giving me a nice peaceful trip.  I considered letting them sleep longer when I got there but thought to myself "meh, they'll be fine", and it was late so I wanted to get moving.  I gently woke Aubrey from her sweet slumber. I could see on her face she considered crying so right away I started talking to her about the fun books in the waiting room and she jumped on board that fun ship. Elise was content as could be too.  We hauled ourselves into the waiting room settled into a few chairs and waited. 

Aubrey wandered back and forth bringing books for us to read. She would sweetly smile at the nurses and other sicklies sitting around waiting.  She put on a good show. She even made dramatic 'I love you' statements to Elise and I making the waiting room swoon, I tell ya the kid knows how to put on a good show. Elise even joined in cooing and smiling at any person that caught her eye. I was sitting there pretty smug. Thinking how good my kids were and how easy it was to haul them around on my own, you know I talked myself up real good in my head. Gave myself a mental pat on the back and a small smirk. 

Next we get called into the room. Again the girls are great while we waited both just laying the charm on me. Then it happened. The worst thing possible the Doctor walked in. Aubrey instantly changed.  It was like a gremlin took over her body. Elise was in her carseat on the floor in front of me, and Aubrey took a sudden liking to the idea of 'rocking' her. By rocking I mean thrashing the carseat around so wildly she even managed to tip it straight back once. Then she decided Elise needed more lovin' which never ends real well. She would push her face into her so hard Elise ended in tears every time. When Elise gets worked up she is totally irrational. So how do I handle this you ask? Well like any other parent. I asked nicely the first time. The next thirty times I grabbed Aubrey's arm squeezed and gave her The Look . The harder I squeezed her arm the more set Aubrey's jaw became and the harder she did what she was doing. It was a battle of wills and I was losing. Luckily we were in and out quick. 

Afterwards I was explaining to her how mad I was and that she would not get said promised treat.  She looked at me slanted her eyes and said "I'm as mad at you as a Pink Nasty Dragon" then looked away. Well said Aubs, well said. 

Letter To My Girls

Today I sat across from my oldest nephews watching them play a game on iPads. They were both really intent on what they were doing. I took time to really look at them both. I really thought about how their looks were so different, yet they were clearly brothers. And even for a fleeting moment I was able to remember them when they were small boys. Watching them led my mind down a path of twisty heart gripping thoughts. Let me explain. 

I watched Grant first, he's the oldest, and he has this easy way about him. He pretty easily makes friends and he has this charm about him. It's the kind of charm that can get a  guy in and out of trouble. Then I looked at Nate and thought about how different he was. He has more heart then any kid I know. When he wants to he puts his everything into something, especially if it is defending his big brother. But I sometimes watch Nate and I wonder if he wishes he had the ease Grant does. And my heart hurt for him in that split second. It hurt that I wondered if he knew that his humour, loyalty and big heart were just as important as the easy charm Grant possesses. And just as powerful. I wondered if he knew he was perfect, because he was him. 

This sent my head into a spin. Of course it made me think of my own two girls.  Already their looks are different, but sisterly. Aubrey has an outgoing, charismatic personality. While right now due to age Elise's is just developing. Although I think she is quite the charmer already too. 

I wandered into the future thinking about when they reach a school age. I thought about whether school would come with ease, or if they would fight their way through it. I thought about friendships and wondered if the girls would handle them with ease and a grace I sometimes never gave. Then my heart really hurt. Because I know the truth already. I know they will both have to come up against obstacles. That is life. One or both of them will have falling outs with friends.  Which made me flashback to my own time through school. 

I had a great group of friends. We had a problem though. Well first we were a group of girls and that inevitably causes issues on it's own. But we also had a unique situation of almost all of having been together since pre-school right through to grade 12. My graduating class was something like 14 people. When we hit junior high things got dicey. We ( I say we because i was totally a part of it all at one point) got teenage girl on each other. The group tended to pick one girl to put on the outs for awhile. I remember watching and participating and thinking this is awful but at the same time never stepping forward. I also recall thinking "why would it ever happen to me?"  Well….shocker…it did happen to me. If memory serves right I want to say it was in grade 9. I put on a pretty good front about it. I remember thinking I didn't need them as friends anymore. I had friends outside of school and that was enough. riiiighhttt….

Well it made the last few years of school feel like an eternity. And I would say probably the first time I really experienced a depression. But this post is not meant to rehash that crap. It's over and we have all moved on from that. 

So after walking down memory lane I thought to myself "what would you tell your future 14 year old girls if you could?". If I could write them a letter what would it say. Then I thought do it. Don't wait. Do it now. So here goes,

My Girls,

If you are like any teenage girl out there you have friends. And like any teenage girl you are going to fight with those friends. And you are not always going to come out unscathed. It's Ok though. I have some things for you to remember through it all. 

First, you are going to survive. I promise you you are going to come through it and life is going to keep on moving. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking otherwise. 

Second, remember everyone has a story. It's not always about you.  I know there will come a time someone will lash out at you so viciously that you will want to put up your defences and fight back with just as much fire. But I tell ya to take the time, even the briefest of seconds, to take a look further into the book don't just look at the cover. I promise you that person has a story that just might be a harder one then yours. Love that person. Treat them with as much love, empathy and kindness you can muster in that moment. And when that chapter comes to an end you will know you wrote the story with a pen of your own instead of letting someone else guide you into their darkness. 

Third, remember your story isn't special. WOAH! Right?! I don't mean you aren't special I mean everyone has similar struggles they just don't voice them. Just because you think the girl who picks on everyone else but appears to have all the luck doesn't struggle with her self esteem (or something else) I promise you she does. 

Fourth, remember we are meant to live in relationship with people. It's great to be independent. But don't push independence into isolation out of fear of hurt. There will be relationships that hurt so bad. Sometimes because you love the person THAT much. But, don't shy away from them. Dive into them and live it. It's a part of living. And when you come out the other end it's a beautiful thing. 

Fifth, You are so perfectly imperfect. Our imperfections are what makes us unique and they can teach you more about yourself and others then being perfect ever could. 

Sixth, no matter what your Momma has your back :)  I wish I could stop the hurts that are bound to come. i wish with every being that I could hold you both tight to me and help protect you from the world that is going to come out swinging around you. My heart wrenches at the thought of knowing you will have pains. But, they are tiny gifts. Theses hurts they are going to show you what you are made of, they are going to teach you more about yourself then I ever could. They are going to help grow you into even more beautiful human beings then you already are. 

Love you to the moon,

Mom

I think that is what I would say to them. And I hope with all my heart that when the time comes I can guide them without holding them back from the lessons they need to learn and go through. Being a parent is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done. 

It's My Birthday. (said like Eeyore)

This week was my Birthday. A few things happened to me surrounding my Birthday that were new. A new number (obviously), I am 28 now. That feels ancient. I remember when my oldest sister turned 28 and thinking "God she's getting so old".  I also had some new thoughts and for lack of a better word behaviours. Let me explain.

I have never liked Birthdays.  When I was younger and still having 'friend Birthday parties' i often found myself stressed about the day. Will my friends have fun? Will so and so get along? I mean my 'What If' list went on and on around those parties. Also I had some Birthday's that were shared with my sister Sarah. I think I hated that. I say "I think" because i can't actually bring up the feelings I had around that time, it is all from the perspective of looking back. So looking back I say I hated it. Then as I got older I came to downright dread Birthdays.  I had some falling outs with friends through late junior high and High school. My social circle became more centred on my cattle friends (who were scattered all over) and my cousins (who are still my best friends).  So Birthdays kind of became a day that just came and went. I tried to come off as someone who hates celebrating. Which really is not authentic to who I am. I wish I could be a person who says " A birthday is just another day, I hate celebrating them", but actually I like doing things for my Birthday. Granted I hate large parties, but I do like doing something out of the ordinary for the day. 

So, in short I hated August 29th for quite a few years. Then I got married.

*Disclaimer for Mom and Dad- I will note my Mom and Dad always did a Birthday supper for me and still do to this day.  I appreciate that and love that family time. I definitely do not discredit it. 

Ben is a surprise guy. He loves to be surprised and he loves to surprise people. I love and hate this about him. I love it because he is just so damn enthusiastic. He wants to make everyone feel special, and loved. When he has a surprise for someone he is like a little kid waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. I hate it because he likes to surprise me. 

Why do I hate that my husband loves going through great efforts to give me a surprise you ask? I'll tell you!

It's stressful. Stop rolling your eyes and scoffing at me and hear me out.

I in general don't like being the centre of attention. Ben loves being the centre of attention (don't lie Hon you do). So every time christmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc. come around I fear a surprise. Because what if he does it publicly? Or what if he has some sort of event where I am thrust into being the centre of attention.  I love my husband to death…But…he even publicly proposed to me. I actually to this day don't think i said a word when he did it. A room full of people and he asked the big question…ack let's not talk about that. I so hate being at the centre I even made sure that our wedding showers could be unisex so that Ben had to be there. 

So, after Ben came on the scene Birthdays changed for me. They became stressful instead of hateful. LOL. OK I didn't lie awake at night hating or stressing it was just a general feeling around the occasion.  But as occasion came and went Ben and I found our groove, and I slowly started to really look forward to special occasions with him. This year was really different.  I was excited for my Birthday!  Like more excited than I was to watch Aubs open her presents at Christmas, kind of excited! Ben had some surprise up his sleeve, but we also had just planned a really great evening in. Nice supper with the girls, get kids to bed at 7:30, chocolate fondue and a movie for the two of us after. I mean who wouldn't be excited about chocolate?!

I really embraced my Birthday this year. I spent the day with Elise in Camrose just doing minor things, groceries, lunch with my sister, coffee. Just really relaxed. Actually I was sitting at the drive-thru waiting to pay for my coffee and I got the urge to pay for the customer behind me. I have never done that, but I did that day and it was so much fun. I never expected that I would love doing it so much. As I was driving home I wondered to myself why it felt so different this year. And I think I have  a few answers to that. 

I am more settled. I love being with my girls, I love Ben, and now with writing and photography I finally have something that is more my own. I should say too that the course I took in Calgary a few weeks ago has had a huge impact. It has forever changed me. I spent so many years wrapped up in thinking I had nothing. Thinking I wasn't passionate about anything, had no interests, and then in later years thinking "will I forever just be a mom?".  Now I see myself so differently. I am a Mom ( a pretty decent one too), A wife (not a house one I hate housewifedom), a writer (you poor saps who have to read my ramblings make me feel like a real one), a photographer (i love being out doing it, I find it therapeutic).  I also see more of my good qualities, I can see that I am giving, thoughtful, compassionate, funny (come on you had to of laughed at a few of my posts), loving. Honestly I think at one point, ok a lot of points, I would have said I really did not care for myself. Through the fogs I could not see that any good layed within me, or that any real great potential did. At one time i think I even thought being a Mom was about all I could achieve. Sad, but true.  Now my doors are so wide open to so many things that the draft is making me a little chilly. Seriously my feet are freezing right now :)

P.S. Ben's surprise for me was a brand new 27" iMac computer, then he set up a little office for me along with printed pictures I took on canvas! The canvas pictures were actually from my Mom and Dad though!