Flashback Insight

An interesting thing happens when you open your mind to being truthful about yourself. You start piecing together parts of a puzzle that you had kicked under the bed in hopes of never crossing it again.  I've been dragging pieces out for awhile now. They kinda just keep getting more interesting. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like they could possibly belong to the person I am now. 

For instance…I actually kind of want to bang my head on a wall over this story while blushing fiercely for owning the fact it happened. 

I always wanted to go to post-secondary schooling. The thought was crippling though. How do you decide what your going to be? Especially at 17!  I kept finding ways to put it off. I had some amazing reasons and stories why it really wasn't for me.   Truth is, it terrified me to step into a decision and have to own it.  

So, I got really brave one summer and went and registered for a semester at RDC. I know right?  A whole semester. I was excited though. I felt like it was a good way to test the waters without having to commit myself fully.   I registered into an array of classes, tourism types, and one marketing class. 

I was actually quite excited about the marketing class. Until I got there.  Seriously I think I am blushing just about to write this because its so ridiculous.

The first day of classes was going great. I loved all of them and settled in very easily. Until I got to the marketing class. We were told the semester would be spent on group projects. We would pair up into 2's or 3's. My heart sunk. Then it hit rock and splattered when we were told we could choose the groups. Eff. 

Who would want to pair with me? I was convinced I would be left with no group. People looking and judging that I would not be a good group member. Yeah you know this class of 30 people really took the time in that 15 minutes to just zone in on me. Cue spotlight, dramatic music, and people pointing fingers in total disgust. Sigh. 

I did the only logical thing. Dropped the class. Told my Mom that I really didn't think marketing was for me and that I didn't want to waste time with it. Insert forehead slap.   I went on to finish my semester with  my name on the Dean's List and a mental slap for eventually realizing how ridiculous I was. 

Am I crazy?

I have been putting a lot of thought into why I chose to talk more about my anxiety. About why I thought it was important to talk about it. You see I don't know if anyone else is like me, i mean anyone else who maybe has anxiety or depression.  But I have some thoughts. 

See I am not being open in hopes of receiving sympathy from people who read this. Or to in turn be treated differently. In fact I hope most people who know me can just look at me and see me, as me.  I actually kind of despise the thought of people thinking just because I have anxiety I should be treated carefully and tip toed around.  

For me I choose to speak about it simply so that the person on the other side of the screen rabidly searching the internet to find out if they are 'normal' will stumble upon me and realize that it is so normal to go through this. Yeah you may need therapy, or whatever your choice of action is, but it really doesn't change anything else.  It doesn't make you a sudden outcast to have a mental health problem.  *Side note I really hate the term 'Mental Health' i think they should start calling it 'Normal people with sorta normal more common than you know problems'.  See I am not a victim to my problem, it is what it is.  All you lucky people who read this just get to hear the awesomeness of what can go through my head in a moment of anxiousness. 

I am a part of this really amazing Mom's group that is online, seriously it's awesome.  Anyway something stuck out for me recently.  I woman who is expecting again asked if there was such a thing as pre-natal depression, and went on to explain how she had been feeling lately.  A lot of women jumped on to support her in telling her how they were there for her, that it's just normal pregnancy stuff etc.  Which sometimes it can be.  I reached out to her to explain it happens and I went through it. We had a few minor exchanges that hopefully left the channel of communication open for her.

The thing that stuck out for me was - why when someone is reaching out do we feel the need to tell them everything is ok, and yep its just normal pregnancy?  Because we don't want them to feel bad?  Because we don't know how to deal with it if it is real? Does it mean now that that person is friggin crazy?!  

My hope is that one day when someone reaches out and says "I think something isn't right"  it can be addressed.  LIke for real looked at. No i don't mean instantly send you to a shrink. I mean like have a real conversation, ask more questions, listen to the person (like truly listen) and be a support that is going to make it seem like this is as common as a flu bug that just made it's rounds.  I hope that it can just be a normal thing, that you can talk about it like you would any other issue. I think it'll happen. 

Awareness

This past weekend I had an article forwarded to me.  Kelly Hrudey and his daughter Kaitlin are speaking out about anxiety. This week is Children's Mental Health Awareness week.  Kaitlin has chosen to speak out about the fact she deals with anxiety.  As I read the article it struck home with me in more ways then I thought it would have.

The further I went into the article I felt like I was reading my own story.  When I realized I was struggling with PPD and PPA. I was so relieved to say the words. And then come up with a plan on coping, well more then coping a plan to move on.  BUT…I almost cringe thinking of it.  I have so tried to convince my self that this was all just a pregnancy thing. Maybe the odd bout of depression as a teen but really who doesn't deal with that in the teens years?

Then I read this article and realized I was foolish to try and ignore my reality.  My reality is anxiety has been a major part of my life. And the more i think of it I think it start at a really young age.  

At one point Kaitlin says  “If I was supposed to go to a friend’s I would say they were people I didn’t want to hang out with anymore. I had all these random excuses, and my thoughts became so obsessive that I just couldn’t escape them anymore.”

umm….this kind of stuff was, and well, still is my life.  I remember having so much anxiety about events with friends or even school field trips that I would come up with all sorts of reasons why I didn't care, or didn't want to go, or was sick.  I feel so sad looking back that I didn't know that it could be different. That I could have had such a different experience in those years. I was so paralyzed by anxiety that I never was able to make a decision on going to university. I still regret that.  

Today life is very different. I have so many great things in place to help.  I just wish i had had them sooner.  It makes me really wonder though.  How do we catch these kinds of things at an early age?  I simply never knew that the way I thought was a problem, and could be worked through. I just thought it was the way i was. There is so much talk about mental health and how do we move forward in making it something easy to talk about. But I guess as having been a child who went through it, I don't know how I would have known to talk to anyone about it.  I was pretty good at hiding it with moodiness, and silence all typical teenage stuff.  

Off to think about this more. More to come. 

Link to article http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/03/former-nhl-goaltender-kelly-hrudeys-daughter-goes-public-with-mental-illness-battle/

also if you are feeling generous please give the smiley lady in the corner a click :)