Aha Moment

I had an 'Aha' moment the last weekend. It actually kind of crushed me a tiny bit.  But I am so glad that I have solid proof of where changes need to be made!

First, I have been thinking about self esteem for quite some time. Watching as my niece and nephews are edging their way into that adolescent zone.  I think I became so much more aware after having two girls and recalling my own experience. I remember the year I headed into grade 7 I suddenly had a chest. Grade 6 there was nothing, summer came and so did boobs.  I was SO self conscious. None of the other girls had grown a full chest over the summer and it felt wrong to me to be different. To stand out. I just had no understanding and the confidence to say "I love this new body".

Anyways. It got me trying to remember when it happens. When does that moment happen that you start to hate your own body. I watch Aubrey and Elise they have zero concept of body hate. Aubrey tells us all the time how she feels and looks beautiful, not in a vain way but in that little girl way where they are so excited to feel that way. And the believe it, they believe it with all their heart. And Aubrey looks at me all the time and tells me "Mom you look like a princess" or "Mom you looks so beautiful".  I have fought to roll my eyes in response and attempted to beat the thoughts out of my head that this kid is on crack. 

I want to be that little girl again who simply thinks everyone is beautiful.  Seriously how different our world could be. Think about it!

Back to my 'Aha' moment.  Last weekend I was laying in bed with the two girls reading our ritual bedtime story. Ben took out his phone and started taking pictures of the three of us together. And instead of looking at the picture as a precious memory of that moment in time, a moment that will eventually feel like a flicker of time, I flipped through them, stopping long enough to say "I look terrible!"  Aubrey asked if she could look at the pictures. I watched her study it for a few seconds then shake her head and say "I look terrible"….gutted.  

That right there is where it starts. 

So, I have made a vow to never say a bad thing about my body again. Not even a just in front of the kids promise. I mean never. It's a process, i have had to fight hard multiple times already to not say something.  So pray for me that I have the strength to keep it up…

Hide and Seek...Please don't seek!

I’m sitting in a way too busy coffee shop thinking of writing this really nice touching blog about how it’s been a year since I started writing. A year since PPD and anxiety crept into my life and got comfy.  Instead….I am going to write about hiding from my kids. 

Elise has been sleeping like a dream for about a month…only the worst kind of dream!! Seriously it’s so bad that even Ben is tired. He never gets tired…or he hides it super well.  Last week I lay in bed listening to Ben prepare breakfast for everyone, it was clear he was struggling. Elise was screaming, Aubrey was filling him in on something that she obviously thought he was not knowledgeable in.  So obviously being the good wife I am I got out and saved the day. WRONG! I rolled over fished my phone off the floor and texted Ben “Is it bad if I don’t want to come out so I don’t have to be around our kids?” Weird it took awhile for his response, I kinda started to worry he was thinking of starting the van up to take me to the crazy house (only to realize we lived there).  A simple  “NO” came through.  

The Tyrant

Luckily for me I have the world’s best husband, today anyways. He arranged for Aubs and I to hide out and re-sleep train The Tyrant.  I literally hid from her. I can’t handle sleep training. It’s the only parenting thing I super hate.  I can listen to her cry at night for about 10 minutes then I am in there like a dirty shirt ( I don’t really get that saying).  

Ben was a champ. After the first brutal night I swept in that morning and snuggled the heck out of her, until she pushed me away because clearly she has more important things to do like play with the handle on the window.   

Now after two nights I think we broke her. Only she one upped us. Now she would much prefer we don’t hold her while she falls asleep. Its like she knew that was the one last thing of her babyhood we liked. It was like a “eff you” if you won’t hold me all night then you get NOTHING!!

Well played E, well played. 

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